Hello to my future...

Things as usual in my life are pretty crazy. I love my new job, it is challenging and amazing at the same time. I am seeing a guy who is a little younger than me, not usually a craddle robber but he is nice. I am having a Halloween party at my house with people from work - should be a blast. Boxing is going pretty good, though this week I had a spot removed from my palm and it hurt like a ^&%^$%^#$.....well it hurt. So I have not gone this week yet. But I will be there tomorrow just for the workout. No boxing gloves for a couple of weeks; I can still walk and do crunches.

Still on track for trying to get pregnant soon. And by soon I mean early next year. These days it's really hard not to wish I was younger for so many reasons. The guy I'm seeing, the baby, my health, these things happening to my body that shouldn't be....ugh. Gravity sucks!

But I'm out for tonight.

This week focus on helping those who can't help themselves. And that includes animals.

Fay Fay - oh what craziness you bring

Blogging in the safety of my home while outside Fay is dropping tons of rain and whipping trees around like they are wet noodles. It is amazing, a little scarey and lonely - weather like this should be for couples. oh la la...

So, I have made the top 20 with my script in the BlueCat Competition. HOLY SCHINIKEES!!!! Saying a little prayer...

And now for the juicey stuff. Ugh - men. What the heck is up with me and men? I've had two great relationships in my 38 years - one lasted a year and one lasted six years. That's a lot of single years. So, here's my graduation plan. I'm taking boxing lessons. Uh huh - boxing. Have to take out that frustration on something. Besides sweating is good for one's skin.

Off to - do something....

Have fun in life - don't take yourself so seriously...

My no title Blog

It's Wednesday, I just got out of cisco class and I'm too pooped to think about a good title for this blog. I have two more weeks of school and two more days before I start my new job.

Still mourning Teddy, he was such a good kitty. So beautiful, elegant, graceful, playful - he is so missed!

I made the semi-finals for my script in the Bluecat competition - this could be a great break. But if I don't win I will keep trying...

I just keep on trucking...

My roller coaster week....

This week has been full of highs and lows gallore! Tuesday morning one of my rescue cats died. Not sure of the cause but he was such a sweetie! We called him Teddy, cuz he was just such a teddy bear. Even at only a year and a hal old he was a quite a big cat, much like his father. His paw almost covered my palm (I have small hands but still.) He would curl up on top of your shoes, purrrr when you rubbed him belly and he would flop over so you reach his tummy, he was a beauty too. His gray stripes were thicker than most tabbies - very prominent. Teddy will be missed terribly.

But on the good side of things, I got a new position - interface engineer. A challenging job, but I am ready for. I am so glad to be getting out of my previous position. It was so demanding - the software was unstable and I didn't have a life. It was crashing all the time, slow as mudd and too many issues.

My mom and I are fighting - and as you might already know she lives with me so that makes it fun. Apparently I am too soft-hearted. Wow! In this world, too soft-hearted. I would think that was a pretty good thing. But guess once again, I'm wrong.

Now for the best news! I made it to the semi-finalists in the BlueCat competition. 75 out of 7,000. Not bad, not bad at all! I'm already spending the winnings in my head (not really, but 10,000 bucks could come in handy). But more than the money, I want to know that the one thing in this life I have felt like I was good at is within my reach. I hear about people being natural at something, I have been writing movies on paper and in my head since I was in the second grade. I can see the movies in my head - much like sitting down to watch a movie. Sometimes the thoughts come so fast I can't keep track of them. I love it! It's what I live for. Just hope this is enough to get my career ball rolling.

Here's to dreams - even if they dont' come true, we can certainly strive to reach them.

Life comes at you fast...

A lot has happened to me in the past couple of weeks - it's been a roll-coaster; good thing I like roll-coasters. But there comes a time when you have to take a break. So taking mine for a little while. A cuuuutie pie flirted with me yesterday and today and a sporting event I was attending that he was playing in, but he is 10 years younger than me - or about that. Felt pretty darn good though, so yeah I'll take it.

I'm trying to get involved in more walks - like the heart walk. Why is it so dang hard to excersize? We know it's good for us, it makes us feel better and helps us lose weight. So what's the problem? You got me. I was looking around on the field today at the healthy girls, and I wanted to be more like them. I have the desire, just need a little more will.

Still trying to be a better me, a stronger me, a more improved me.

Got to keep trucking

Yesterday was the last day I was going to be an adoptive mother. The birth mother decided the amount of monthly expenses I was able to afford wasn't enough. I have gone through denial, anger, bargainning, the whole gammit - twice. My heart - broken. But I will keep on trying. This life will be filled with a child. I only have four weeks left of school and that will be behind me, so I can move on to the next event - HAVING A BABY.....or two!!!!

Well, I'm out for tonight.

Careful what you say - unkind words can never be unheard.

It's been a wild, wild ride!

It's been a while since I vented, I mean blogged. But let me tell you - it has been a wild two months. I started my last semester in school ready to get out so I can start my in-vitro and have a baby already! However, life has had different plans for me. A friend found out she is pregnant and decided to give the baby up for adoption. So, I thought why not? This could be my chance to have a healthy baby. We have talked about it and I have been going to the ultra-sounds and paying the medical bills, helping her when I can. But it just got crazy - we found out it's a boy! I love blue, blue is actually my favorite color - but I always pictured myself as having a girl for Pete's sake! What is a single mother expecting girls gonna do with a son? I try to be althetic but I was usually one of the last one's picked to be on the team in PE, I was more into cheerleading and dancing - and yes they are althetic, but just because you can do a perfect pike or tap til your feet almost fall off does not mean you can hit a homerun. Oh dear - what am I to do? I went into Target today and was looking around at all the little boys with their families - they were mostly clinging to their fathers - don't have one of those to offer this little tyke either. I have male friends but they have their own families. I'm just scared, just venting. I know in my heart of hearts I will love him like nobody's business, but ya'll I didn't have any brothers, nephews, one male cousin that I was around maybe ten times total in my life - and an absent father. I need to join a class on how to teach a boy about being a man (a good one - none of this disrespecting women crap). And to top it off, my mom, who is supposed to be my support team doesn't want to see the ultrashound pictures, she says she's afraid to get too attached and this adoption not pan out. So I guess I really am in this alone. Got to pull out the strong suit from my closest and put it on. Truly, how much does a woman have to go through to have a child? One that is wanted and loved? I feel completely alone - especially when I look around and all I see are mothers and children or pregnant women - arhg! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!!!

Sigh - man that felt great! Now I have to get back to my homework....

Tonite's assignment: look at your son or daughter and tell them you love them, don't just say it passing. Make them understand you mean it, they aren't just words you say, they are emotions and actions. And know that somewhere in this world someone loves you too. you might not feel it, but they do.

Now we can being working for ourselves.....sort of

As i figure - just a guesstimate - up until today I have worked to pay Uncle Sam and today I begin to work to put money in my pocketbook - and on the bank note and so I can have electricity, you get the picture. Oh to be able to only have to pay 10% taxes - would that not just be a wonderful thing or what? Holy tax day batman, we might be able to breathe a little easier. And to top things off, took my trusty little ride in for some maintanence yesterday and yep you guessed it, my tax return will just cover the repairs needed. Isn't that just a kick in the ole watubee. Just keep moving forward, nothing can be done to correct it. Things happen, things break and money disappears as fast as we make it. With that being said, I'm not in the poor house and don't mean to sound down on my luck; just seems when I get ahead something is always there to burst the proverbial-bank bubble. And I do live comfortably. My house is nice, in a nice neighborhood - one that has been around for about 40 years, so yeah it needs some work, but definately not complaining. And I have a pool - so yeah if I need a vacation I get out the blue i-pod, grab a beach towel and a floppy hat - take ten steps into my backyard - a little piece of Heaven. I am able to give to charities, which is a win-win situation. I have cable and monthly blockbuster mail-delivery - yeah I feel blessed.

Stupid oatmeal cookies....oh my tummy ache

I miss my Grandmother this week terribly. Last night I cooked some chocolate oatmeal cookies and maybe that stirred these emotions. That woman could cook! Pretty sure Sarah Lee and Betty Crocker learned everything they knew from her. At Christmas she would practically lock herself in the kitchen and make every type of pie and cake you could think of - seriously. One Christmas my sister and I counted 13 pies and I forget how many cakes; besides the only one I cared about was her Italian Cream Cake. Yes, it was painful. I would wear my sweat pants to Christmas dinner - I knew that cake would be there and I knew there was no way I would walk away without eating at least three pieces. After Grandmama's Christmas dinner our family did not go outside and play football like you see in the movies - oh heck no. The only tackling we did was to move everyone out of your way so you could get the comfie couch first. Nap time was the right time. It was quite entertaining to see everyone waddling as fast as they could towards the couches and chairs. Those were the days though - I was dancing and a cheerleader so those dinners didn't set me back for long. But now - oh man I think I just gain three pounds just thinking about that cake.

Sometimes I wish I had paid more attention when she was cooking, I was just so mesmorized - it was hard to think about what she was doing, I was just watching her "paint her masterpiece." She wasn't a dainty woman by any stretch of the imagination - she was kind of a tomboy. Use to hunt and skin whatever she killed for dinner. Didn't bother her nary-a-bit as she would say. Of course she came from a HUGE family and they needed that food to survivie. Her first date with my grandfather was squirrel hunting.

I love you and miss you Grandmama...thank you for being in my life and giving me such wonderful memories.

If she were here right now, I would hold hand and ask her about her childhood. We never think they will leave and when they do, they leave a place in our hearts that will never quite be the same.

Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays...

Yeah, that'd be me. Heh. But it is pay week; taking pleasure in small miracles. There was a wonderful thunderstorm here this weekend. Poor Bella came and laid in bed with me, the entire thing shook as if we were in some cheap motel feeding the bed quarters one after another. Bless her tiny Yorkie heart, thunderstorms are just not her thing. Okay, so he still hasn't written and by-Golly I'm still breathing. Another small miracle. In light of this, I have thrown myself into my job; low and below lots of stuff I have been putting off is getting done. Amazing what a "broken-heart/hurt ego" is capable of. My gigantuous stack of C-R-A-P is now just a small pile. Listening to Marky-Mark good vibrations (one of my feel good songs, and how in the heck can you be sad when you think of his abs - oh my). Yes, this day is slowly getting better by the minute. Time will heal most wounds. And the wounds it doesn't heal, get easier to handle. I like to call it "the other side." A mountain in the distance seems so incrediably far away and tall, almost impossible to conquer. And when we do reach it; we sweat, we cry, might have to crawl along the way and yes sometimes stop and rest, slide backwards a bit only to have to regain the same ground. But one day - one wonderful day - we will be on the other side, a few bruises and some scars. But we make it to the other side - a better person for having done so.

Tootles and have a beautiful, crazy Monday!

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

Who is this person.....

Okay, who is this person living in my body and what have they done with me? I cannot for the life of me get this guy off my mind. Not in high school anymore and this confidence thing everyone keeps talking about, yeah you can only act so much. The one thing I am confident in is that I will survive if he doesn't write back (it's been four days). The last email I sent him was four days ago and I made a joke about meeting other guys - we've known each other since high school. Maybe he has forgotten my sense of humor - maybe he never really knew my sense of humor. Anyway, every part of me wants to jump on an email and tell him I was joking, the other part says maybe what I said completely turned him off and that's that. So, dilemma! Man, I should have stayed married - married life is hard but at least to a degree you have someone there with you (there are exceptions). I despise feeling this way and wish I could turn my mind off, especially at work, and home, and the grocery store, and school, and when I'm asleep - aren't there pills for people like me? I'm making light of this, but it is truly bothering me. I don't like giving him the control and I have told myself a thousand times that I have to regain control - I have to let him be and I will move on. He is not the only fish out there - but he is the only fish I think about. Matt Damon, if you had only come into my life, and married me - we could have had ten kids my life wouldn't be crazy right now. Stupid Sarah Silveman got to him first - heh. Okay my promise today is not to email him - just for today. Tomorrow I will think about it...

NUTS...Here we go again.

I was one of the faithful Jericho fans who sent letters, emails, and nuts to get the show back for on the air. I even bought the t-shirts. Great second season, that's about all I can say. But it does suck that Big Brother is still on. Are you serious? Big Brother - the show about people who are more interested in mentally ripping each to to shreds mentally and emotionally AND THEN getting paid a large sum of money to win? TV viewers please jump up and take notice. One night a week Big Brother might be okay, but how many nights is it now? I am proud to say I don't keep track. I say CBS should let Jericho take one of those nights big Brother is on? Why not? If Big Brother is that great it should be able to handle the 10:00 slot. And you are going to tell me the Neilson families are watching Big Brother enough to keep it television? Hard to swallow. Maybe its good the Nielson families aren't listed anywhere - or at least I can't find them. Good, because they would be inundated with more nuts than Brittany Spears has court dates. Peanuts, cashews, almonds, hazelnuts, Brazil nuts, and probably even a few human nuts. Who are these people and where do they live? I know tons of people who watch Jericho. We talk more Jericho than anything else, does this count? Does it also count that I will boycott CBS now? I'm sure I won't matter - I have no Nielson box in my house, can't send in the shows I watch on one of their trusty little count sheets, and I certainly don't call into them to tell them what I am watching. IMHO CBS real IT screwed the pooch on this one. It may not show up right away, might take some time, but I believe it is time to take a stand - we pay darn good money so we can come home spend time with our families then sit around a watch good television - of course this show may not be for children under 13 - my opinion only (remember I'm still trying). But for those of us who have mostly adult homes this is a great show. And I pay for cable, BOY do I pay. And they are going to tell me they are taking this away from me? AGAIN! Networks listen up. One day, there will be a network that will actually listen to the viewers, the fans, the networks bread and butter and low and behold, we will be able to have a show that may cost a lot to produce and is a little beyond the happy go lucky 30 minute love stories, or the brainless "reality-TV". Okay people, I did it - I put "" around reality. And the reality actors - oh no she di-ent - yep I did. I know one these "reality actors". Their decisions are dwindled down so much they should all be named something like "The Producers on the Island stuck with a bunch of whiney, hungry, thirsty people in string bikinis trying to hook up so they can make a million." I think should cover at least 80% network reality shows on. With this being said, yes I do watch a few reality shows - and yes its my spam - the one thing I am horrified about. I try to keep it to Survivor, Project Runway, Design Star, and the next hurts, it really hurts - wait for it.....Road Rules vs Real World Gauntlet. Now you get where the gauntlet came from. cheap I know. Have I rambled or what? Too sleepy to proof-read. Tomorrow when I read this I might change my name and move to another country with no Internet access. Oh wait - I could move to the CBS executive offices since they are apparently so out of touch with --- everything, I think that would be a great vacation from anything real. So CBS I'm holding up my virtual champagne glass filled with the best tasting champagne in the world and I am making a toast, a toast to every other freakin network channel where I will find new shows and a new home. You have been voted off the island, you have been evicted, show your cookie cutter shows because you aren't creative enough to have a show like Jericho stay and bring happiness to your viewers. I liked Ghost Whisperer - good-bye Jennifer Love, I will be watching over shows or movies during your Friday night, good-bye Survivor, I will be outside more surviving my backyard and pool, good-bye CSI-Miami which was the only CSI worth watching anways, I hope Eric and Calleigh get married, H becomes governor of Florida, and Wolf can come be my poolboy.
Did I mention I have been having a little insomnia lately and getting some help with a little white pill. This might explain some of the craziness here - but I would guess at least 50% is all me. Can't believe they took my show! Nuts to CBS, may they find themselves in a situation where the show could have taught them how to survive. I do wish them well, just not in the television industry. They would be great at repo though - "hey sonny, like that car? too bad Nina Tassler is here to pick it up. doesn't matter if you paid it off, this is what she does." I'm out, this is getting insane....I hope you all have wonderful dreams and your Monday is full of full functional systems, cold air and warm air when appropriate, may your co-workers feel like doing their owns jobs so you aren't left picking up the slack! A Mighty Monday we will have.

TaTa....and Skeet if you are listening....man we tried, we really tried! I'm going to miss Jake Green and Hawkins, not to mention Stanley. You three made Jericho! We will follow your careers and I wish you much success and a little more luck with the next network.

Jericho Rangers will live...in our hearts!

Yesterday...not just another day

So my birthday was not just another day. It actually turned out very well, and I had some fun - which is always a bonus. Went to class last night, passed my quiz and the guys in class sang Happy Birthday to me. Yeah I told them to stick with computers. I'm the only female in class so they took much pleasure in embarrassing me. I wasn't even going to mention my birthday but one of my friends in class made sure to announce it. I do believe the color of the night was blush. My sister sent me some beautiful flowers, my mom gave me some money (what I wanted) and we are going to Fernandina this weekend and get some adirondack chairs I have been eyeing. They will look perfect on my front porch. And perhaps some peel and eat shrimp, got to stay healthy. That baby is coming in the next year come hell or high water!

For now Tata, and remember; courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it comes in small voices saying I will try again tomorrow.

Tomorrow - just another day

I use to love my birthday. When I was young I thought the school's chose to be off the week of March 20th so I wouldn't have to go to school on my birthday. Wow, what a narcissistic kid. But when I got a little older I realized I was just lucky. And I loved having my birthday on the first day of spring (according to which calendar you look at). I felt special. Now it's just another day. My mom and sister are really the only ones who celebrate it, but this year it's a very sad one for me. I wanted to be a mom by the age of 38. But I will mourn this and move on. I will embrace being an older mother when the time comes. Besides, having a child at this age will help keep me young - right? Or so the theory goes. And the walking thing - eh, been doing okay. Nothing to write home about or no cause to place a celebratory ad in the paper. Bella keeps me walking though, it's good for her and good for me. It's funny, I have always been afraid to write my thoughts down. Someone might think me crazy or unwell, but getting them out of me makes me feel lighter. If you're out there reading this I hope it makes you laugh or at least know you are not alone.

Sometimes its okay to close your eyes and ignore what's in front of you; especially when you are standing in front of the mirror didn't get enough sleep the night before.

TaTa, for now. Hope March brings you much joy and peace!

My promise

So since I created this blog, oh so long ago - I have been thinking, my blog doesn't really have a subject except for - well - me. This is what I would like to do. I want to blog about bettering myself on a weekly basis. Each week I will pick something I want to work on and write about how it's going. For this week and all of next week (since it is Thursday) the promise I am making to myself is to start an evening walking routine. Taking Bella for our evening stroll doesn't count since the five to ten minutes we spend sniffing each blade of grass at each house we pass doesn't really constitute a heart-rate-accellerating-fat-burning-sweat-producing walk. Here is my plan: I will take Bella for her grass-sniffing-stroll which takes around 30 minutes even though we only go two blocks. When I bring her home I will turn right around to walk the exterior of neighborhood which should take around 45 minutes. It's a great neighborhood to walk in due to some inclines and winding roads - not to mention its a safe area so even late evenings will be okay. So the gauntlet has been thrown - can you throw a gauntlet to yourself? Heh. I will keep the blog updated as much as possible. If you don't hear from me, it means I'm out walking.

And away we go.....

Today is my first blog. First blog ever. This should be great - interesting - or just something. Time will tell. I have been wanting to start and keep a journal for years, but I keep putting it off. No time like the present and no more time to waste. I see my life passing before me and I can't hit pause or rewind and man when did we lose the ability to call do-overs? I miss those. I will be 38 next week. I'm single and I want to have a child. Going through four artifical insemination two years ago and having no pregnancy as a result was very hard to deal with. I have decided to move forward to in-vitro. Expensive as heck, but think about the reward. Doc says I need to lose some weight to be heathly for an over 35 pregnancy. So I have started the good ole excercise and eating better regiment. Haven't weighed in the last two weeks but I feel better. That has to count for something.

Though I have years worth to talk about, I will bow out for today. I hope anyone reading this will enjoy, respond or even get something out of it.

Remember, be kind to yourself, you have a long way to travel together.