It's been a wild, wild ride!

It's been a while since I vented, I mean blogged. But let me tell you - it has been a wild two months. I started my last semester in school ready to get out so I can start my in-vitro and have a baby already! However, life has had different plans for me. A friend found out she is pregnant and decided to give the baby up for adoption. So, I thought why not? This could be my chance to have a healthy baby. We have talked about it and I have been going to the ultra-sounds and paying the medical bills, helping her when I can. But it just got crazy - we found out it's a boy! I love blue, blue is actually my favorite color - but I always pictured myself as having a girl for Pete's sake! What is a single mother expecting girls gonna do with a son? I try to be althetic but I was usually one of the last one's picked to be on the team in PE, I was more into cheerleading and dancing - and yes they are althetic, but just because you can do a perfect pike or tap til your feet almost fall off does not mean you can hit a homerun. Oh dear - what am I to do? I went into Target today and was looking around at all the little boys with their families - they were mostly clinging to their fathers - don't have one of those to offer this little tyke either. I have male friends but they have their own families. I'm just scared, just venting. I know in my heart of hearts I will love him like nobody's business, but ya'll I didn't have any brothers, nephews, one male cousin that I was around maybe ten times total in my life - and an absent father. I need to join a class on how to teach a boy about being a man (a good one - none of this disrespecting women crap). And to top it off, my mom, who is supposed to be my support team doesn't want to see the ultrashound pictures, she says she's afraid to get too attached and this adoption not pan out. So I guess I really am in this alone. Got to pull out the strong suit from my closest and put it on. Truly, how much does a woman have to go through to have a child? One that is wanted and loved? I feel completely alone - especially when I look around and all I see are mothers and children or pregnant women - arhg! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!!!

Sigh - man that felt great! Now I have to get back to my homework....

Tonite's assignment: look at your son or daughter and tell them you love them, don't just say it passing. Make them understand you mean it, they aren't just words you say, they are emotions and actions. And know that somewhere in this world someone loves you too. you might not feel it, but they do.